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Breaking News: Fantastic Coincidence Strikes Bush White House Email Records

February 27th, 2010

In what analysts are calling a breathtaking string of coincidences, every single email written by every single official and staffer in the Bush administration, from the very first day it began to Bush’s very last day in office, has been accidentally erased. In 7,538 separate cases of human and mechanical error, hundreds of thousands, perhaps millions, of email messages were erased. Additionally, in each case, backups were also destroyed, and then, in thousands of completely unrelated mishaps, the hard disk drives which once contained the emails and their backups, located on hundreds of different servers at sites spanning the entire continental United States, were accidentally removed and magnetically wiped, and then physically destroyed. In what is being termed a statistical fluke, there were virtually no such errors before January 2001, and have been no such reported incidences since January of 2009; the outbreak of purely innocent accidental erasures is fully contained to a sharply defined eight-year period with no meaningful pattern that anyone has been able to discern.

When asked to comment on the phenomenon, former White House technical staffer Steven McDevitt replied, “Huh. How about that?” After hearing that a question concerning the matter was asked by a member of the media, Minority leader John Boehner (R-OH) immediately assailed what he termed “a Liberal-media witch-hunt instigated by known Socialist George Soros, with the clear intention of undermining American values and killing American soldiers.” Upon hearing the news, Congressional Democrats, distressed and fearing reprisal nine months prior to midterm elections, instantly withdrew a variety of bills related to health care, gun control, and education reform, and called instead for renewal of the Patriot Act, after passing a bill exonerating anyone who could have been involved in what were clearly unintended accidents regarding the Bush administration emails, promising to never, ever ask any questions about it, we promise and please don’t attack us.


Okay, I exaggerate. But it wouldn’t be funny if there weren’t an element of truth involved.

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