I’m You

October 6th, 2010

Christine O’Donnell aired an ad recently, one which some in the punditry feel will work for her. The commercial has her appearing in a dark room and saying soothingly:

I’m not a witch. I’m nothing you’ve heard. I’m you. None of us are perfect, but none of use can be happy with what we see all around us. Politicians who think spending, trading favors, and backroom deals are the way to stay in office. I’ll go to Washington, and do what you’d do.

Well, as it happens, I got a copy of the original script for that commercial, the “extended version,” if you will. I believe it was drafted under some full-disclosure act or something. Here’s how it reads:

I’m not a witch. Nor am I a Hare Krishna. I’m nothing you’ve heard. I’m you. Yes, just like you, I’m a hard-right-wing homophobic Creationist. I have credibility–I know, because I audibly heard God tell me so. And like you, I would never lie, not even to Nazis looking for Jews hiding in my attic–though I did kind of lie about my college education on several web sites. And on my resume. And, oh yeah, in a lawsuit. Just like you.

And like you, I failed to pay my tuition, legal fees, mortgage, and taxes until an IRS lien and the lawsuit from the mortgage company forced me to sell my house to my lawyer boyfriend. Like you, I haven’t had a steady job in years, and have been illicitly paying personal expenses with my campaign credit card. And like you, I filed a $6.95 million lawsuit for gender discrimination when my conservative employer didn’t give me the job I wanted after I was on national TV and everything.

Like you, I believe that homosexuals have an identity disorder, are attacking our freedom, and are getting away with nudity, lasciviousness, perversion, and blasphemy. Like you, I believe that condoms spread AIDS and that scientists are creating mice with fully functioning human brains. Yes, like you, I am a hardcore Catholic who believes that masturbation is adultery and school shootings are caused by lack of prayer. No, I’m not a witch, but like you, I believe that Gen-X’ers are Satanists, and that co-ed college dorms might as well be orgy rooms. And I find Middle Eastern censorship refreshing because they don’t have smut all the time, like we do here; like you, I believe we should be more like them when it comes to sexuality.

And politically, I am just like you: I believe that Bush did a great job with the economy and that Iraq had WMD but hid them all before we got there. And like you, I have classified intelligence telling me that China is plotting to invade America. And that Obama has death panels and women in the military cripple defense readiness.

Just like you.

None of us are perfect. Especially not me. But you should ignore all of that crap about me because bad stuff is happening, and despite the fact that people like me caused it, you should just mindlessly vote against Democrats. And despite the fact that all politicians are the same on this, think only about the Democrats when I remind you that politicians think spending, trading favors, and backroom deals are the way to stay in office. Like Sharron Angle, with DeMint’s juice all over her!

Yes, I’m you. And I’ll go to Washington, and do what you’d do. Exactly what that might be, I’ll leave to your imagination.

I believe they had to cut it down for time reasons.

And yes, all of the quotes and facts are real. A few general truths were tossed in, but that’s mostly O’Donnell’s own words in there, mixed in with verifiable facts about her. Sources: here and here.

  1. Tim Kane
    October 7th, 2010 at 04:42 | #1

    What if I am a witch?

    Is she me or not?

    Anyway, she matriculted from Hogwarts. Does that make her a witch or not?

    I think it does.

    Now she may claim that she didn’t attend Hogwarts, but I maintain that she did. I saw her there when I myself was learning how to become a witch.

    Until she can contact Hogwarts and get hard documentation from them that proves that she didn’t graduate from there, I think we have to assume that she is, in fact, a witch.

    Of course, as a witch, she could make said documentation pop up out of thin air – but then that too would prove that she’s a witch.

    I report, you decide.

  2. Troy
    October 7th, 2010 at 07:25 | #2

    Well, she certainly represents the left half of the IQ distribution well enough.

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